Changes from first draft to last draft
There are significant changes that were made from Segarra’s first draft to the final draft. The changes made the story better in several ways. In her first draft, she has used long sentences that are not significant and make the sentence vague. For instance, in the first paragraph, she writes, “It doesn’t matter, I already said I would take the picture, and I can’t change my mind now.” Here, she removed the comma due to the comma splice issue and replaced it with a period. Separating the sentence into two-sentence makes the writing concise and more appealing when reading.
Also, still in the first paragraph, there is an instance whereby she writes to sentences with the second sentence with ‘however.’ The use of the word, however, in the case, makes the narrative sound formal, which contradicts the tone of her story. In the story, Segarra has used an informal tone since she is talking about sexual stuff that cannot be presented formally due to the use of obscene language. Therefore, the use of the word ‘but’ makes it more effective by enhancing the story’s flow in one tone.
Drawing from Gerard’s five hallmarks of creative nonfiction, the final revision is better in that it has helped make the subject matter clear as denoted by Gerard. In his five hallmarks of creative nonfiction, Gerard notes that it is vital to easily identify the subject matter. Also, the use of informal tone makes the story fit within the contemporary 21st-century writing style. Gerard notes that a good nonfiction story should work within the journalistic requirements of timelines. Summing up, eliminating the mistakes in the first draft has helped enhance the story’s readability and made it easily comprehendible.
Sequencing
Segarra’s second draft displays a clear flow of ideas and tone. Drawing from French’s notion of sequencing, there are several things in relation to narrative sequencing that has been attained in the second draft. French stresses that sequence is fundamental in text or rather a narrative. When sequencing, French asserts that it is essential to use fewer adjectives and adverbs since the use of too many adjectives and adverbs clutter a line, thus distracting the reader from the action that is being portrayed by the subject, object, or the verb.
The revised version abides by the first principle of sequencing, as provided by French. His first principle is studying the natural sequence first. The sequence needs to sound natural. In Segarra’s story, the events have unfolded naturally from the beginning; she is contemplating whether it is appropriate for her to take a nude picture to take the picture and the next section when her mother finds the messages that she was chatting with Angie. The second principle is reporting and writing, along with a clear and simple line. The first draft liked clarity and simplicity due to the use of too many adjectives. However, in the second draft, the story is more clear and simple to read. There is also the appropriate use of transitions from one paragraph to another. While transitioning from one section to another, the author has tried to maintain the natural sequence while at the same time ensuring that the story flows chronologically.
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